Jokes Today

Christmas Collection

The Twelve Days Of Christmas (Feline style)

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me... The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... I forget what, she ate it so quickly. I do remember all the clean up afterwards though. Yuck!

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the ursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me... My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me..... The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.

On the 12th day of Christmas........ Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

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