Jokes Today

Christmas Collection

A New York City Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
da whole house was mellow
not a creature was stirrin'
I had a gun unda my pillow

When up on da roof
I hoid somet'in pound
I sprung to da window
to scream "KEEP IT DOWN!"

When what to my
wanderin' eyes should appear
but dat hairy elf, Vinnie
and eight friggin' reindeer

Wit a bad hackin' cough
and da stench o' boiped beer
I knowed in a moment
Yo, da Kringle dude wuz here!

Wit a slap to dere snouts
and a yank on dere manes
he cursed and he shouted
and called dem by name

Yo Tony, Yo Frankie
Yo Sally, Yo Vito
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie
Ay Pepe', Ay Guido

As I drew out my gun
and hid by da bed
down came his friggin' boot
on da top o' my head

His eyes wuz all bloodshot
his B.O. was scary
his breath was like sewage
he had a mole dat wuz hairy

He spit in my eye
and he twisted my head
he soon let me know
I should consider myself dead

Den pointin' a fat finga
right unda my nose
he let out some gas
and up da chimney he rose

He sprang to his sleigh
obscenities a-screamin'
and away dey all flew
before he troo dem a beatin'

But I hoid him exclaim
or better yet - grump
Merry Christmas to all
and bite me, ya chump!

 

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