Jokes Today

Everyday - One Liners

• I liked Michael Richards' character on "Seinfeld." Remember the episode where Kramer made carrot soup and before anyone could eat it they had to peel it?
  
  

• I didn't eat much this Thanksgiving. I was already fed up with all my relatives coming to dinner.
  
  
• Was going to get in shape BEFORE the holidays but I have to wait. Pulled a muscle typing.
  
  
• In fact, when I went to check out health clubs, I was asked to be in one club's ad - as "Ms. WAY BEFORE."
  
  
• They're coming out with a Michael Richards digital watch. It doesn't have a big hand or a little hand, just a middle finger.
  
  
• Yeah, Michael Richards has got that certain something. And who knows, maybe someday they'll find a cure for it.
  
  
• Dr. Reuben is finally publishing a sequel to his best seller called: "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask Your Congressman."
  
  
• Jimmy Carter is moving on. Since there's no longer any need for forced bussing, he's demanding forced brushing.
  
  
• The slow speed of deciding who gets what in January has Nancy Pelosi in a tizzy. She's not sure if she picked up the Democrat transition timetable - or a DC Metro Bus Schedule.
  
  
• Impeached Florida judge Rep. Alcee Hastings is fighting to be chairman of the Intelligence Committee. Feelings are so hot that the Committee to Give Hastings the Job staged a demonstration. But after an hour the DC police broke it up and asked Hastings to move along.
  
  
• Sometimes I think my co-worker should have stayed in the closet. No, he's not gay, just shaped like a coat hanger.
  
  
• A rabbit and a beaver are looking up at the Hoover Dam. The rabbit lauds the dam as a monument to engineering brilliance. The beaver nods, modestly. “I didn't actually build it,” the beaver says, “but it's based upon my idea.”
  
  

Prior | Tell us what you think | Next

Add to Your Social Bookmarks: Del.icio.us Digg Furl Reddit Simpy Spurl Y! MyWeb - StumbleUpon