Jokes Today

Current Event One Liners and more

• "This is a shocking statistic. One out of every 136 Americans are currently behind bars. Even more shocking -- one out of every three Kennedys is currently in a bar." --Jay Leno
  
  

• "Vicente Fox, the president of Mexico, arrived in the United States today for a state visit. Unfortunately, Fox was caught at the border and sent back to Mexico." --Conan O'Brien
  
  
• "President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien
  
  
• "Beautiful weather here in New York. Isn't it a lovely, sunny Spring? It was so nice today that Al Gore said, 'Hey, this global warming's not so bad.'" --David Letterman
  
  
• "Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds." --David Letterman
  
  
• "The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." --David Letterman
  
  
• "President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno
  
  
• "President Bush signed a huge tax cut bill. He's hoping the tax cut for the rich will attract a wealthier, more affluent group of illegal immigrants." --Jay Leno
  
  
• "The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno
  
  
• "A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno
  
  
• "Former President Bill Clinton has signed another book deal. We have an advanced copy of his new book. It's the 'Five People You Meet Under My Desk.'" --Jay Leno
  
  
• "Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with President Bush." --David Letterman
  
  
• "In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman
  
  

• "Anybody go to the Madonna show here in L.A. last night? It was the opening of her 'Confessions' world tour. During the concert, she condemned President Bush, she pretended to be nailed to a cross, she spoke out about third world poverty, she dry humped a bunch of guys in leather pants. ... Doesn't matter how old she is, she never tones it down. I tell you what, it takes a lot of courage to go after President Bush in front of an audience almost made entirely of gay Hollywood men." --Jimmy Kimmel
  
  
• "The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
  
  
• "Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'" --Conan O'Brien
  
  
• "The Pentagon announced today that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border is only 20% under control." --Jay Leno
  
  
• "As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time the president of the United States feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno
  
  
• "He went to a border town in Arizona yesterday. ... But, White House spokesman Tony Snow said it was not just a photo opportunity. No sirry Bob. Apparently, President Bush went down there looking for some guys about landscaping at the White House."
  --Jay Leno
  
  

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