Jokes Today

Current Event One Liners and more

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. was on lock down because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: 'Cheney.'" --Jay Leno

"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox is in the United States this week. He said he came here so he could speak directly to the Mexican people one on one. ... In fact, he was in Sacramento yesterday addressing our lawmakers. And out of a force of habit, they gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"Vicente Fox said ... a fence on the border is not the answer to immigration. No, he says his answer is a bridge with a carpool lane for vehicles with 40 or more people in it." --Jay Leno

"The former Governor of New Jersey has written a book in which he said he had a lot of anonymous gay sex with a lot of different men. I'm sorry, that's the book Ken Lay's going to write in a few years." --Jay Leno

"Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book. In the book, he says he tried to have anonymous gay sex at truck stops with truckers and when that didn't work out, he would try to pick up men in bookstores. People are shocked. I mean, half the country can't imagine having sex with a trucker at a truck stop and the other half can't imagine going into a bookstore." --Jay Leno

"Today is the 53rd anniversary of explorer Edmund Hillary getting to the top of Mt. Everest. 53 years. ... Now if we could just get a guy on top of Condoleezza Rice." --David letterman

"Former Enron executives Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty of bankrupting the company and its employees. Both are facing over 100 years in prison. This makes them the only two Enron employees who don't have to worry about paying for retirement. ... During the trial, Ken Lay repeatedly told reporters that the case was 'in the hands of God.' Yea, and soon, his ass will be in the hands of someone named 'Jesus'" --Conan O'Brien

"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman

"A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either. ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders." --Jay Leno

"Former CEO of Enron Ken Lay is going away. He's going to be sentenced in September, and it could be 16-18 years. But he got some good news today -- Martha said she'd wait for him." --David Letterman

"Well, there's a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison." --Jay Leno

"Special Council Patrick Fitzgerald has suggested that Dick Cheney could be called to testify in the perjury case of his former chief of staff, Scooter Libby. Political experts say that even if Cheney is called, he is not going to stab his friends in the back. Shoot them in the face? Yeah. But stab them in the back? No."
--Jay Leno

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