Jokes Today

Everyday - One Liners

• And computer chips are getting so good they're getting scary. Last week one asked the boss if it could go to its motherboard's funeral.
  
  

• My bank always supplies the right personal touch. Like today - they're flying the flag at half mast in memory of my credit rating.
  
  
• I've been spending a lot of my time lately on my knees praying. I never should have joined that damn office Super Bowl pool.
  
  
• Read where a pound of hamburger could feed a dozen families in Africa. So what! A pound of hamburger can feed a dozen families in any American fast food restaurant!
  
  
• The last time I ate at a fast food restaurant I had so much gas - Chevron and Shell were bidding for my stomach.
  
  
• I like being informed about things that are harmful, but I couldn't believe it when I found the Surgeon General's trans fat warning stamped on each of my french fries.
  
  
• The Sopranos have a way with words. For instance, anybody who betrays the mob winds up what they like to call a very "SOLID citizen."
  
  
• It was so cold today, the flashers stayed buttoned-up and just showed snapshots.
  
  
• You know your kid's high school is really tough when a hot lunch means shoplifting it from the local supermarket.
  
  
• I really like a dry martinis. In fact when I get halfway through, I expect to hear the olive begging for water.
  
  
• I'll never forget the day I decided it was time to consult a psychiatrist. It was right after I'd taken my Grandfather clock in for a sex change.
  
  

After his physical, Mr. Smith sat down with his doctor.

“You really need to do something about your weight,” said the doctor.

“Oh, I've tried,” replied Mr. Smith, “but nothing works. I must have an overactive thyroid.”

The doctor shook his head.

“Mr. Smith, if anything's overactive, it's your fork.”

Prior | Tell us what you think | Next

Add to Your Social Bookmarks: Del.icio.us Digg Furl Reddit Simpy Spurl Y! MyWeb - Netscape - StumbleUpon StumbleUpon