Jokes Today

Everyday - One Liners

• You've heard about companies that will freeze your body until medical science finds a cure for your disease? Well, I think my landlord sublets our apartment from them.
  
  

• My spouse is a person who has a compulsion for neatness. She'd even try to rearrange the furniture in a padded cell.
  
  
• Sometimes I get the feeling my wife thinks sex is an idea who's time has gone.
  
  
• I tried to do a little plumbing around the house for the new year and now it's a little embarrassing having to stand in the kitchen sink to take a shower.
  
  
• Lately, nothing I do comes out right. I bought a cat --- it barks.
  
  
• I'm a little worried about our mailman. Last week I found a pile of bones on the front walk and our dog was picking his teeth with a postcard.
  
  
• Showed up late to watch the game on my friend's new stadium size plasma TV. Asked the score and he said, "Three down and 21 one to go." I got pissed cause I thought we we're going to watch football "Football?" He said, "I'm talking about this case of beer!"
  
  
• Nancy Pelosi is a real San Francisco type mom. To get her kids to take baths she bought them a toy - a rubber guru.
  
  
• Pelosi's kids are real scholars. For example, they experimented with marijuana and of course like most experiments - it lasted years!
  
  

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