Jokes Today

Everyday - One Liners

• I don't want to complain about an increase in shoplifting, but I understand this year more Christmas gifts were returned than sold.
  
  

• I gave my kid a puppy for Christmas and was he excited. He spent the entire day trying to figure out where the batteries were.
  
  
• I got the usual things ---handkerchiefs from my kids, shirts from my wife, ties from my relatives, and bills from everyone else.
  
  
• Does my neighbor give wild New Year's Eve parties! Before you go, you check to make sure your life insurance is paid up.
  
  
• I dribbled so much booze down my front, on the way home a wino mugged me for my shirt.
  
  
• New Year's Day morning is when you have a breakfast that talks to you. Not the one that says 'Snap', 'Cracklel', and 'Pop!, but the one that says, "Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz."
  
  
• There's a new dance for people who are trying to keep warm. It's called the goose bump.
  
  
• Epiphany is coming up and a noted Biblical scholar says he has evidence to put an end to the myth of the three wise men. He found their old IQ tests.
  
  
• New Year's is an up holiday - as in drink and throw.
  
  
• Every year two million people gather in Time's Square to watch the New Year come in. This time it was so crowded the New Year didn't get in until 3:00 AM.
  
  

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