Jokes Today

Everyday - One Liners

• I'm not sure I want to continue eating fish. The boat I bought from told me the best lure for fishing these days it a magnet.
  
  
• I have a solution to the weight gain people are experiencing worldwide. Just change the slogan Survival of the Fittest to Survival of the Fattest!
  
  

• I'm afraid I play a sick game at Christmas,"Credit Card Roulette." That's when I hold up all my credit cards and the cashier has to guess which one isn't over the limit.
  
  
• This year the local police are going to get tough with New Year's Eve drunks. They don't have to walk a white line, they have to paint it.
  
  
• Last year Mattel released 'American Idol' Barbie dolls, this year it's the 'Reality Barbie' - comes with stretch marks.
  
  
• Last night watched such a violent crime show - they didn't have credits at the end - just an eulogy.
  
  
• Michael Richards is getting a ton of job offers since his racist rant on stage. Got a great one as a repo-man - he'll repossess devices from people who can't keep up the payments on their pacemakers.
  
  
• After the holidays be careful not to go overboard on the diet pills. I'm tired of listening to people who'll utter a 16 word sentence and 15 of them are verbs.
  
  
• I think the kids are hinting for an increase in their allowance. For Christmas they gave me a PICTURE of a necktie!
  
  
• My husband and I have decided that this Holiday season we'll only argue under special circumstances - like when we're both in the house at the same time.
  
  

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