Jokes Today

Everyday - One Liners

• My plumber gets $20 an hour; $25 if he has to handle anything wet.
  
  

• I keep telling my wife she's using too much wax on the kitchen floor. Finally she believed me after we watched a crew of roaches building handrails.
  
  
• I'm going to have to talk to my son about his personal hygiene. Right now he's out sanding a surfboard with his soaks.
  
  
• I like to think I'm true to myself, so I just bought a wig with a bald spot.
  
  
• There's too much emphasis on making the news entertaining. Just watched Katie Couric on CBS and the first thing she did was thank the bandleader.
  
  
• The Chinese are starting to complain about all the smog in the country. Heard that one government official said he never thought he'd see the day when he'd never see the day.
  
  
• Pollution has gotten so bad in China that now salmon walk upstream!
  
  
• Good news! There's going to be a major effort to reduce assault weapons in the US. Attending will be representatives from the White House, Congress, and most TV production units.
  
  
• If you think you've got trouble consider Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame. All through his life he had the same handicap - couldn't get the ringing out of his ears.
  
  
• CIA has its own TV network now. You turn on their channel and they watch you!
  
  
• "The joke is that soon you're going to call Domino's pizza and they're going to know that they can't send the extra cheese because you've got high cholesterol"
  
  

You heard about the doctor who fell into a well once. He learned to tend the sick and leave the well alone.

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