Jokes Today

Everyday - One Liners

• Know when you should improve your diet? When the only greens in your frig comes off the bread.
  
  

• I've been told my cooking is mouth-watering. Whenever I say, "Come and get it!" everybody's taste buds break into a cold sweat!
  
  
• These days people are so nervous about their house payments; my supermarket is now featuring FINGERNAIL TENDERIZER!
  
  
• Sometimes I feel the payroll withholding tax is just the government's sneaky way of getting my money before the gas station does.
  
  
• The station where I buy gas is sure into customer service. It just opened a drive-up window to a loan officer.
  
  
• My cousin has invented a non-polluting, non-gasoline powered airplane. The passengers don't ride it, they push it.
  
  
• I think my neighbor might have a drinking problem. Got a look at his phone book and under 'emergency numbers' he has: POLICE, FIRE, and CARL'S LIQUOR STORE!
  
  
• My spouse spends money like crazy! Says I'll just blow it on something silly - like bills.
  
  
• Your teenage daughter might have an eating problem if you see her wearing a "Spaghetti-O" as a bracelet.
  
  
• I think some 2008 presidential candidates should be more honest and stop saying "If elected," and start saying "If acquitted..."
  
  

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