Jokes Today

One liners for today

• Lindsay Lohan called in 'I partied too much and I can't get up' once too often for the boss of her latest opus, "Georgia Rule." Lindsay's mom told everyone to give the girl a break. And NO - Lindsay doesn't think a seven course meal is one martini with six olives!
  
  

• But then Lindsay's mom likes to look on the bright side of things. For example, she doesn't have wrinkles - just very long dimples.
  
  
• Actually Lindsay's into organic food and drinks only organic martinis. They're just like regular martinis except the olives are stuffed with granola.
  
  
• And Lindsay DID seek medical treatment for her 'problems' but she should get another doctor. The one she saw at a Las Vegas night club told her to swallow 2 bandaids every 4 hours and DON'T call him in the morning.
  
  
• I tell ya, Lindsay is just too young to have a night on the town followed by a day on her bed.
  
  
• After the news broke about her boss's very nasty letter to her, reporters interviewed the bartender where Lindsay was partying in Vegas. Turned out he's into health. Had a sign ALCOHOLISM - THE NUMBER 1 DISEASE - GET YOUR SHOTS HERE!
  
  
• I've done some in-depth research into the bible and I've concluded that the Lord was a bit more vindictive than previously imagined. For instance, did you know that Lot's wife was on a salt free diet?
  
  
• I'm not saying my wife spends a lot of time on her cell phone but whenever I whisper sweet nothings in her ear, I get a busy signal!
  
  
• Last night I had dinner in a very rough neighborhood. The restaurant even had a bouncer in the salad bar.
  
  
• Went car shopping and stopped in at a Lexus dealer. The car salesman told me I could drive one off the lot for only $5,000. I was real excited until he clarified what he meant. The $5,000 wasn't for the Lexus but a tank of gas.
  
  

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