Jokes Today

The Continuing Collection of One Liners (more)

• Took my foreign exchange student friend to a baseball game. He was quite impressed with the pitcher. Thought he must be one of the greats - every time he threw the ball he never once missed the bat.
  
  

• My friend's staying at a frat house over the summer. The frat president told everybody that "the panty raid is on for midnight and remember, I don't want any slips."
  
  
• The generation that didn't trust anyone over 30 is dying of old age. Pink Floyd co-founder's Syd Barrett is dead at 60. They said his worse fear was that he'd come back as a fly and some tabloid reporter as a can of raid.
  
  
• The only drugs Barrett wouldn't take were tranquilizers. He said all it did was slow you down so instead of making a hasty mistake, you'd have time to make a calculated blunder.
  
  
• Syd said he found no difference between muggers and his psychiatrist. "After they're both finished, I'm lying down and my money is gone."
  
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a unique way of making sure the nanny is watching their baby. They tape Suri to the front of the TV.
  
  
• Boy, the powers that be are getting really serious about auto safety. They've just okayed a new seat belt that not only buzzes when you fail to tighten it, but also slaps you around for 5 minutes.
  
  
• There's a new type of broth called US POSTAL SOUP. It's just like alphabet soup only most of the letters are lost!
  
  
• There's now a dessert topping designed for lovers of The Sopronos. It's called PISTOL WHIP!
  
  
• NEWS FLASH! They've just come out with a sewing machine strictly for politicians. It has two controls - one for hemming and one for hawing.
  
  
• Can bald people get a hairline fracture?
  
  
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  
  
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  
  
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  
  
• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
  
  

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