Jokes Today

The Continuing Collection of One Liners

• Went car shopping and stopped in at a Lexus dealer. The car salesman told me I could drive one off the lot for only $5,000. I was real excited until he clarified what he meant. The $5,000 wasn't for the Lexus but a tank of gas.
  
  

• I knew (POLITICIAN) chances of winning were like the part of the doughnut that goes around the hole - next to nothing!
  
  
• They say the (WINNING CANDIDATE) has so much political influence that when his dentist finished working on his bridge, the governor came out to cut the ribbon.
  
  
• Eventually they all figure it out. That when you continually shave a little off the top, sooner later you're going to reach bottom.
  
  
• They're conducting new Idol auditions at Pasadena's Rose Bowl. I know one girl who should be a shoo-in. Popular? You'd think she was the last tube of Clearasil at summer camp.
  
  
• Saw one hunk standing in line to audition. He looked so healthy, I bet depressed germs invade his bloodstream to commit suicide!
  
  
• Me, I would never have stood a chance to get on. When I was young, my acne was so bad, I was the only kid on the block whose complexion was constantly changing direction.
  
  
• My brother has opened up a restaurant which is a puzzle to me. That last time I ate his cooking he served baked potato and I didn't know whether to eat it or pull the pin and throw it!
  
  
• He's trying to get a little publicity with his menu. For instance, he doesn't serve a foot-long hot dog but a twenty centimeter weiner.
  
  
• He said he had to do something. His bills were keeping him up at night. So here's a little hint for ya bro, STOP using them to stuff your mattress!
  
  
• My brother just isn't good with business. For instance, how can he put his trust in a bank that has its drive-in window on the fifth floor?
  
  

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