Jokes Today

Jokes of One line or More

• Things are looking up. Guess I can put the old suicide note back in my wallet.
  
  
• Got a sure fire icebreaker: "What beautiful teeth! Yours?"
  
  
• I know everybody has some useful purpose in life. Guess mine is to serve as a horrible example.
  
  

• My dog's pregnant again. She can keep her right to free speech but I'm going to take away her right to assemble.
  
  
• I personally believe the expression "Misery loves company" led to the creation of VD clinic waiting rooms.
  
  
• Did you hear about Connie Chung's bizarre last show on MSNBC? Well more is coming out about the news diva.
  When her doctor told her she had acute appendicitis, Connie thanked him and wanted to know how the rest of her organs looked.
  
  
• CBS News said Tuesday it is cutting ties to Dan Rather. Dan said he wasn't going to miss it that much. After all, the only thing an audience ever did was get between him and his mirror.
  
  
• House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi just released the Democratic party's plan for wining back control of America, immediately prompting the al-Qaida spokes-terrorist response "you go girl!"
  
  
• I went to her web site to take a look at the plan and it loaded at the speed of paint drying.
  
  
• The only win-win situation I've ever heard of is when both sides claim victory for the same court decision.
  
  
• Three old guys are out walking.
  First one says, 'Windy isn't it?'
  Second one says, 'No it's Thursday.'
  Third one says, 'So am I, let's go get a beer.'
  
  
• POSTED SIGNS...
  
  
  • On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
    
    
  • On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: 'Hello. Can we pick your nose?'
    
    
  • At an Optometrist's Office 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
    
    
  • In a Podiatrist's office: 'Time wounds all heels.'
    
    
  • Outside a Muffler Shop: 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
    
    
  • In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
    
    
  • Did you hear about the robot that was so ugly it had a face only a motor could love?
    
    

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