Jokes Today

More One Liners

• Lindsay Lohan got an unexpected gift of a vacuum cleaner recently and spent three days searching her mansion for a vacuum to clean.
  
  
• You're a wimp if you guard your apartment with attack goldfish.
  
  
• Tom Cruise carries horseshoes where ever he goes - for good luck and in case he wants to put on flats.
  
  

• The next time congress wants a pay hike I say we meet them half-way. Tell 'em to take a hike.
  
  
• People in Hollywood are never what they appear to be - beautiful, happy, intelligent...
  
  
• Some say (NAME) has a far-ranging mind - what others describe as a lot of space between the ears.
  
  
• Little known historical fact: The earth has always been a very apathetic place. For millions of years, single-celled amoebas sat around saying, "I don't want to get evolved."
  
  
• The teacher asks a show of hands – how many in her class hope to reach Heaven?
  Everyone's hand shoots up, except for one. The teacher is surprised.
  "What's the matter, Johnny?” she asks. “Don't you want to go to Heaven?”
  “Well, yes,” he stammers.
  “Yes, I do want to go to Heaven. But not with these kids.”
  
  
• Anthony Pellicano, Private Eye to the stars, is on a new escargot diet. He's got some complaints about it though. He's losing weight but on the golf course he keeps leaving behind an extra trail of slime.
  
  
• Violence is as American as apple pie rammed down your throat.
  
  
• Personally, I prefer an off-year election. You don't feel as guilty if you don't vote.
  
  
• Two scientists walked into a building. You'd have thought the first one would've noticed.

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