Jokes Today

Late Night commentators say the darnd'est things

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There'"
--Conan O'Brien

"Remember the president of the Teamsters, Jimmy Hoffa? Well, he vanished and there were all these rumors and stories and myths about where he may be buried. It turns out now that the FBI got a tip and now they're looking everywhere for Jimmy Hoffa. Everywhere. The FBI is looking everywhere. And I'm thinking, 'that's great, but what about Osama bin Laden?'"
--David Letterman

"The FBI, in their defense, are claiming they have a lead on the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa. They said he was last seen on a duck hunting trip with Dick Cheney."
--David Letterman

"Bill Clinton is writing another book. The first one was an enormous book and it was his life story. This next one is going to be a fascinating book. In the book, Clinton describes one time when an intern held her breathe for nine minutes." --David Letterman

"Bush met with the prime minister of Australia at the White House the other day. The Australian prime minister asked President Bush, 'When was the last time you were down under?' Bush said, 'Oh, you must be thinking of the other president, President Clinton.'" --Jay Leno

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John. ... She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno

"According to a poll Americans say they trust Democrats more than Republicans to deal with Iraq, the economy, immigration and other issues. In fact, if the election were held today ... John Kerry would still lose" --Jay Leno

"Finally a break. They may have found Jimmy Hoffa. 10 FBI agents armed with shovels dug up a farm after a tip it might contain the Teamster leader's remains. Of course, many myths surround Hoffa's disappearance. Some say he is buried in the end zone of the Giants' stadium. Some say he was dumped in Lake Michigan. Some think he is alive and in New Hampshire having an affair with a volunteer fireman that he calls 'Johnnycakes.' But I do hope, 31 years later, if they found him, it will make touchdown celebrations in the end zone of the Giants' stadium so much less creepy. Jimmy Hoffa. Still looking for Jimmy Hoffa. That means they'll find Osama bin Laden in 2037." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno

"Conservative Republicans are very worried that there's no way to keep track of these illegal aliens. Yeah, we can't keep track of them unless they start making phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed you don't see those Taco Bell ads anymore? Remember the ones that said, 'Make a run for the border?' For some reason those seem to have fallen out of favor." --Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about global warming. I believe it's called [Leno snores]. ... The film actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got interested in temperature change. It started back when he was vice president. He noticed how the temperature would change, like whenever Bill would walk into the room, it would get warm and whenever Hillary walked into the room, it got cold." --Jay Leno

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. ... The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' ... Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking of presidents, the other day in Florida, President Bush told his brother, Jeb, that he would make a great president. Then the president said, 'Any chance you can start next week?'" --Conan O'Brien

"I'd like to talk to you for a minute about Jesus. Have you taken him as your personal Lord and Savior? No? Then you're probably not in politics. In recent years, religious fundamentalists have evolved [on screen: John McCain]. I'm sorry -- intelligently designed themselves [on screen: Hillary Clinton] into a force to be reckoned with [on screen: Rev. Pat Robertson]. How powerful are they? [on screen: Howard Dean]. Powerful enough to make Howard Dean a temporary member of the 700 Club, which, by the way, is the number of votes he got from evangelicals when he ran for president. ... Well, he's on his knees, but I don't think he's praying" --Lewis Black, on The Daily Show

"As you know, President Bush announced a big change in our immigration policy. He's going to get one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind."
--Jay Leno

"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it."
--Jay Leno

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