Jokes Today

Current Event and more from late night

"Let's see what's new with New Jersey Governor Jim 'Keep On Truckin' McGreevy. ... Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he said he used to cruise highway rest stops looking to have anonymous sex with gay truckers. ... At what point do you stop having anonymous sex at truck stops and say to yourself I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor?"
--Jay Leno

"McGreevy said he came out of the closet when he realized where this sort of lifestyle would lead -- marriage to Liza Minelli."
--Jay Leno

"A New Jersey company has developed an inhaler they say increases sex drive in women. They say it stimulates the brain to make you want to have sex with your partner. It's an inhaler. You know what the means? One day on the campaign trail, Hillary may be able to claim she never inhaled either."
--Jay Leno

"Down in Washington, D.C. earlier today, it was so hot. It was so hot in Washington that one congressman actually got into the freezer with his bribe money." --David Letterman

"Speaking of the weather, Al Gore has a brand new movie out and it paints a very bleak picture about global warming. Apparently, Ted William's head is nearly defrosted." --David Letterman

"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman

"You know about this former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy? He's got a new gay memoir. ... I believe it's called the 'Versace Code.'" --David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden ... sent over another one of those videotapes -- chilling, chilling. In the videotape, he boasts that we will never find him or Jimmy Hoffa" --David Letterman

"President Bush met with the prime minister of Israel and the prime minister told Bush that he intends to defend Israel's borders. When he heard this, Bush said, 'You mean you have trouble with Mexicans, too?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson ... was videotaped accepting a $100,000 bribe. He said he will not resign even though the FBI agents found 90,000 of it in his freezer. In Washington, that's known as a 'bribecycle.'" --Jay Leno

"This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert ... has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 84% of Americans approve of making English the official language. I'd be happy if they made English the official language of 7-11." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up?" --Jay Leno

"Cheney loves California. See, out here, rich and famous people can shoot other people and get away with it." --Jay Leno

"In his new autobiography, former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy ... reveals that he used to cruise highway truck stops looking for gay sex. Say what you want to about the guy. How many candidates are willing to go out there and press the flesh like that? ... We have a copy of his new book right here. It's called, 'My Search for a Mandate.'"
--Jay Leno

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