Jokes Today

Tips for upwardly mobile Rednecks

General:

1. Never take a beer to an interview.
   
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting.
   
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
   
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
   
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Wine:

1. When decanting  wine, hold the box securely, tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to bruise the essence.
   
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with both hands.

Entertaining guests in your home:

1. A centerpiece for your table should not be prepared by a taxidermist.
   
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.>

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private, using one's own truck keys.
   
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
   
3. Use of proper toiletries can delay bathing for several days.
   
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no; it may alter the taste of finger foods such as fried squirrel strips, etc.

Dating (outside the family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
   
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the men's room walls at the truck stop two years ago."
   
3. Ask her parents what time she is expected back. If the answer is "Monday," it is your responsibility to get her to school on time.

Weddings:

1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
   
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.  For ten seconds or more the rule "You break 'em you ride 'em comes into effect."
   
3. The groom should rent a tux. Wearing jeans with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt is a fashion faux pas.
   
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
   
2. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer as well.
   
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.
   

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