President Bush goes on Holiday

President Bush goes on Holiday, Late Night View

"As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything." --Jay Leno

"This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, when President Bush is down on his ranch, he likes to spend his time clearing brush and chopping wood, because no matter how much legislation you pass to cut down trees, there's nothing like destroying them with your own hands." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Bush flew out to his prairie-chapel ranch in Crawford, Texas, to begin his eleven-day vacation. It's not really a ranch. There's no cows or horses. It's more like an estate. But ranch sounds better. You know like when you call Iraq a democracy. It sounds better." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush traveled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly." --Conan O'Brien

"White House officials said today President Bush took three books with him to Texas. Three! That pretty much empties the Bush library." --Jay Leno

"Our president isn't exactly getting high marks for his handling of the catastrophe. People don't seem to realize, yes the hurricane has been devastating to the people who live in that area, but it has also ruined the last three days of his vacation. He has suffered too." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed to be clearing brush in Texas until Friday. Now he's going to get back to the White House tomorrow. You know, if he doesn't use his vacation days, he loses them, so this is hard on everybody." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking, when does he wind?" --David Letterman

"As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It's like he's still in the National uard." --Jay Leno

"It turns out President Bush can run again in the next election. Now I know you're only supposed to be allowed two terms, but the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on a five-week vacation. How many folks get five weeks off a year? You know, if I want five weeks off I have to have open heart surgery, for God's sake." --David Letterman

"The president jumped on a plane to start a five-week vacation. This will be the longest presidential vacation in 36 years. This means President Bush has now been on vacation for 27% of his presidency. That means the country could be 27% more screwed up than it already is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and here's the good news -- he says he will only stay until Crawford is capable of self rule." --David Letterman

"Bush woke up this morning, saw his shadow and now -- six more weeks of vacation." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." --David Letterman

"Now is a great time for President Bush to go on vacation because Iraq is pretty much under control. But a White House spokesman said Bush is using his vacation to reconnect with regular people. So you know what that means -- he's drinking again." --David Letterman

"After President Bush signed the new transportation bill, he said it's not just enough to sign the bill -- people have to show up and do the work. Then he went back to his five-week vacation." --Jay Leno

"President Bush still having his five-week vacation. Today President Bush announced he is going to leave his ranch in Texas to visit Idaho for two days. However, Bush told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I won't do any work there either.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is on week three of his marathon five-week vacation. In fact, he has been gone on vacation for so long that today in Washington, a judge ruled that a young couple with two children can now legally move into the White House because it appears to have been abandoned by its previous tenants." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is taking his summer vacation. It's a five-week vacation. This is his fiftieth vacation in the last five years -- that's about the national average isn't it? During his five-week vacation, he will continue to receive national security briefings. He won't be reading them, but he will receive them." --David Letterman

"President Bush talked tough today. He said he's not backing out, he's staying the course for as long as it takes. He's in it for the long haul. Not Iraq -- his 5-week vacation." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in the second week of his five-week vacation down there in Crawford, Texas. He's been taking a lot of criticism for this long vacation and his aides say he has his laptop with him so he can still play Solitaire and Minesweep -- so it's business as usual." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on a five-week vacation. From what? President Bush, before he went on vacation, he signed a bill that will extend daylight savings another month. He said it proves we're winning the war on darkness" --David Letterman

"A lot of people are every critical of President Bush for taking the entire month of August off for his vacation. But his staff points out, there's nothing at the White House he can't do at the ranch because the ranch is fully equipped. It's got the treadmill, the weight room, the jogging path, the big screen TV, they get Nickelodeon. It's got everything he would do." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on a three-week vacation down in Crawford, Texas, and it's what they call a working vacation. And staff say it is an important time because it's time for him to kick back. And I'm thinking, when does this guy kick forward?" --David Letterman

"So Congress is on recess and Bush is on vacation -- the town is empty. It's so lonely in D.C. right now the NRA and the oil lobby are just giving money to each other." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was re-elected and today he hit the ground vacationing." --David Letterman

"How many of you get a month vacation? Well President Bush will be getting his month-long vacation. The White House is calling it a 'working vacation.' And I am thinking, well that pretty much describes the entire presidency, doesn't it? ... Bush says he is going to be very active, he plans to exercise every day. And he says he exercise every day because it clears his head. Hey, mission accomplished." —David Letterman

"The Washington Post reported that if you add up all the time Bush has spent in Texas, he's there for a whole month. Then you add up all the time he spends at Camp David, and his parents house in Maine and add up all the travel time getting to and from these places, and it adds up to 42 percent of his presidency. In fact, he'd actually have to win a second term just to complete his first term." —Jay Leno

"As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." —Jay Leno

"Primary day in Connecticut. Joe Lieberman has been battling it out with challenger Ned Lamont to win the Democratic nomination for the Senate. Tough race to call but at this time the 'Colbert Report' is ready to project that Joe Lieberman will not be coming on this show." --Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday the company BP announced that it's shutting down its Alaska pipeline after a spill revealed some corrosion. The shutdown means the cutoff of 8% of our domestic oil supply and another uptick in the prices, because you know summer was just too awesome. You all remember BP, they're the cool oil company, their slogan is beyond petroleum because apparently that can leak. BP even invites their customers to speak to them. Oh, I have a question. Hey, you know that main pipeline that connects your product to the U.S. mainland. You ever check that?." --Jon Stewart

"I don't want to say that President Bush's approval rating is low but the Republican party has a special offer now for any donor who payed $10K in the past to have their picture taken with President Bush. Now for $20K they'll destroy the picture." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Bush denied that Iraq is close to a civil war saying, 'Civil War. What Civil War?' Coincidentally that's the same thing Bush used to say in his American History class." --Conan O'Brien

"How embarrassing is this: Former White House domestic advisor Claude Allen has pled guilty to a misdemeanor theft charge for stealing stuff from Target and then taking it back for a refund. Guy works in the White House, he would steal stuff from Target and then bring it back to get the money. How embarrassing is that? Republicans shopping at Target." --Jay Leno

"Veterans I've got something to say. No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by standing behind his president [on screen: 2 or 3 Could Stand Behind Taft]. All this bull you anti-war vets having been saying about ending the war is a bunch of horse dung. All real Americans love the sting of battle [on screen: On TV]. And veterans you should love it more than anyone else. You hold a unique position in society [on screen: You Have Healthcare]. You've lived through the horrors of war. That's why you

have a special responsibility to be for it. Those of you who are veterans of our current war have all the more reason. If you don't support this war it's like you went over there for no reason [on screen: Since You Mentioned It.] While you're over here debating the issues, Rumsfeld and Cheney are knee-deep in the s*** [on screen: Theirs]. Memos flying past them, cameras shooting them making life and death decisions every day [on screen: Just Not Their Lives]. What makes you veterans think you know better than the commander in chief [on screen: Actual Combat Experience?]. Now, I suppose some could say 'But Stephen, who are you to criticize? You've never been to war' [on screen: Laser Tag Doesn't Count]. Well, that's right. I haven't been to war [on screen: Although 11:30 Time Slot Very Competitive]. But folks, that's not my fault. I was too young for Vietnam and too old for the Gulf War [on screen: 27's Too Old?]. Shut up. So veterans I may not have your moral authority. But that's no reason to deny that moral authority from future generations. It's time for you to stop fighting this fighting so that thirty years from now when your grandson asks you 'What did you do during the great Iraq War?' you'll be able to say 'the same thing you're doing there now'." --Stephen Colbert

"The White House announced this week that President Bush took three books with him on his ten-day vacation to his ranch in Texas. Three books. Now before you get impressed by all that, it's the same three books he took last year. He's still waiting to see if the little engine gets over the mountain." --Jay Leno

"This is weird, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has not been seen in public in more than a month. He's disappeared. No one's seen him. This has fueled suspicion Kim Jong-Il and Fidel Castro snuck off on a gay dictator cruise." --Conan O'Brien

"Meanwhile, as Pentagon officials continue working on their plan to have Iraq hug it out, foreign entanglements have left our army stretched to the breaking point. And last week it was disclosed that poor equipment and insufficient training have left two-thirds of both the Army and National Guard's combat force unready for combat. To put that in context: For every G.I. Joe our army has, we also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday Senator Hillary Clinton went after Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, really went after him. She said he had a bad track record, and she asked him why she should trust him. Get the feeling maybe she's been burned by a guy before." --Jay Leno

"Normally, President Bush would take six weeks off. This time he's only taking eleven days because the White House says he has too many things to do, like he's out campaigning for other Republicans, raising money. And today all the Republicans up for re-election said: 'Take the six weeks. We're okay. We got it. We're covered. Thank you. We're fine.'" --Jay Leno

"Remember America, we started with an armed conflict. It's called the Revolutionary War, not the Revolutionary let's all sit down and talk about our feelings. So I'm surprised to hear the military can't find enough new recruits even after increasing the maximum recruitment age to 41. I don't get it. Why aren't ageing baby boomers jumping at the chance for an exciting second career? They've even lowered the physical requirement. For a 17 year-old soldier the requirements are 47 sit-ups and 35 push-ups but for a 41 year-old it's a tough but fair 29 sit-ups and 24 push-ups. And eventually when they start recruiting retirees, say by March 2007, elderly troops will qualify with two stand-ups, five thumbs-ups, and a 2-minute complaint about the salad dressing selection at Bennigans." --Stephen Colbert

"And the Senate voted against raising the minimum wage yesterday, and Wal-mart employees are furious. They said we never would have come to this country illegally if we knew we were going to be treated this way." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush made a speech about immigration at the border between Texas and Mexico. There was an awkward moment when an illegal immigrant interrupted Bush and said can you give me directions to Dallas?" --Conan O'Brien

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President Bush goes on Holiday, Late Night View