Jokes Today

Things You Should Have Learned
         By This Point In Your Life

 

v   There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v   If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

v   Don’t worry about what
          people think; they don't do it very
          often.

v   Going to church doesn't make you
          religious any more than standing
          in a garage makes you a
          mechanic.

v   It ain’t the jeans that make your
          butt look fat.

v   Artificial intelligence is no match
          for natural stupidity.

v   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

v   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

v   For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government program.

v   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

v   Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

v   A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

v   Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

v   Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

v   No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

v   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

v   Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

v   Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

v   Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you
          need it.

v   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when
          you make it again.

v   By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

v   Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

v   Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

v   If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

v   Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

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