Jokes Today

Late Night President Bush Jokes

"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman

"First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy." --Conan O'Brien

"As many as 26 and a half million veterans reported at risk for identity theft after someone stole a computer disk containing their names, birth dates and social security numbers. Why aren't these files put somewhere where no one can find them, like the same place where we keep President Bush's National Guard records?" --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was caught on tape taking a $100,000 bribe and then the FBI found $90,000 in cash in his freezer. Jefferson said he didn't do anything wrong. He said he just fell in with the wrong crowd. You know, other congressmen." --Jay Leno

"Let's see what's new with New Jersey Governor Jim 'Keep On Truckin' McGreevy. ... Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he said he used to cruise highway rest stops looking to have anonymous sex with gay truckers. ... At what point do you stop having anonymous sex at truck stops and say to yourself I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor?" --Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid (on Rep. William Jefferson's office) may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

"A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either. ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders." --Jay Leno

"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman

"Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson ... was videotaped accepting a $100,000 bribe. He said he will not resign even though the FBI agents found 90,000 of it in his freezer. In Washington, that's known as a 'bribecycle.'" --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." --David Letterman

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno

"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

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