Jokes Today

Newer Barbies We'd Like to See...

• Sister Mary Barbie:
  This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.
  

• Admin Barbie:
  Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.
  
  
• Temp Barbie:
  This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five years' worth of US Tax Code revisions, which need to be collated. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree.
  
  
• Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
  Comes with a hatred for all men and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left-hand ring finger). Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife.
  
  
• Twelve-Step Barbie:
  Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes. Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic."
  
  
• Birkenstock Barbie:
  Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
  
  
• Blue-Collar Barbie:
  Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
  
  
• Our Barbies Ourselves:
  Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.
  
  

• Homegirl Barbie:
  Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people, just minorities.
  
  
• Dinner-Roll Barbie:
  A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinnerrolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
  
  

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