Jokes Today

Late Night Comments on the Presidency

"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"He says before immigrants can become citizens of the United States, they should be able to speak proper English ... except for the word 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman

"The Mexican border will now have surveillance cameras and motion detectors. Our borders will be as secure as The Gap." --David Letterman

"Talk about an ordeal. Yesterday Senator Ted Kennedy was on an aircraft up here in the northeast and it was hit by lightning. They landed, luckily no one was hurt. But then he had to ride home from the airport with his son Patrick." --David Letterman

Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears --Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days]" --Jon Stewart

"Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary." --Jon Stewart on Fox News reaction to government's phone call database (Watch video clip)

"President Bush announced a plan to send 6,000 members of the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexico border. When asked where we'll come up with 6,000 additional troops, the president said, 'Simple, we'll hire illegal immigrants.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today's college kids 'lazy' and 'uninformed.' A spokesperson for college kids said, 'Whatever, lady from TV.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The newly elected mayor of New Jersey hired Apprentice winner Randall Pinkett. Which begs the question, If the winner of 'The Apprentice' ends up in Newark, what the hell happens to the loser?" --Conan O'Brien

"A British scientist has built a car he claims can get 8,000 miles on a gallon of gas. And today, Dick Cheney invited the guy to go hunting with him." --Jay Leno

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

"President Bush addressed the United States about immigration. This was odd. During the speech, he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending National Guard members to the Mexican border. And I'm telling you, between Iraq and the Mexican border, the National Guard is stretched tighter than Joan Rivers' face." --David Letterman

"President Bush talked to the nation tonight ... which is a refreshing change. Americans listening to the president, as opposed to the president listening to Americans." --Jay Leno

"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

"On Thursday, the president will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border, which is historic. It will be the first time he's actually ever shown up with a National Guard unit." --Jay Leno

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael"
--Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

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