The BALL REPORTS

No Child Left Behind

February 10, 2007

A reader politely pointed out to me that I had been scooped by the big boys of the news media, and failed to report the following news flash. I immediately assigned one of my young protégées with impeccable credentials and a recent successful graduate of Bush's "No Child left Behind Program" to investigate deeper into this unexpected change in Chaos Central.. Many months later after a long period of undercover research and many bottles of wine, the young Genius's report is ready for your eyes.

Now that Bush is using a surge bring peace to Iraq, the President is turning to domestic matters and childhood education is the new issue for the year. Bush is pushing for the renewal of the *"No Child Left Behind Act."*

After weeks of a deep undercover investigative investigation one of my unnamed, unidentified and virtual sources has finally figured out what the real meaning of the President's "No child Left Behind Act" really means, thanks for you efforts, Carol.

This is her unadulterated and verbatim report as reported to me: I've never heard of "no child left behind" put quite this way, but it sure as S**T puts it in perspective.

The football version of what is going on in education right now. (If you're not an educator, this may not make a lot of sense to you. But send it to your friends who are in education. They will understand it!)

For all the educators. In or out of the system.

No Child Left Behind - Football Version!

• 1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship.
  • If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.
    
    
  • If after two years they have not won the championship their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.
    
    
• 2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents.

ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!

• 3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction.
  
  This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.
  
  
• 4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game.
  • It will create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals.
    
    
  • If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind.
    
    
  • If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad football players.

Sources deep inside the administration say the President has several goals in mind with the _*"No Child Left Behind Act"*_

Bush would like for every child to obtain same level of education that he got after going to Harvard and Yale. He feels the each child should be able to match or exceed the his own level of education when graduating high school. Many American parents feel their children have already surpassed the President's educational level in elementary school and this program is not needed and a waste of taxpayers money.

Bush thinks science should not be a part of this program. According to Bush, "Facts are facts." and activist scientists are trying to change the facts. The President also has the Dept. of Justice and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales working on a program to declare Law's of Physics unconstitutional since none of these laws have been passed by Congress and signed into law by the President. Therefore these laws should not apply in the United States or the Iraq, the fifty first state of the Union.

Just think if the natural laws of physics did not apply, Bush would be able to exceed the the speed of light. with no law of gravity to hold us on earth, we could take over space and spread democracy through out the galaxies and liberate aliens form the evil forces of Black Holes.

All children will learn the New Math and be able to show how Bush can balance the budget, give tax breaks, and spend trillions of dollars more than the government takes in. Every child would be required to learn the Enron Finance Theory of Economics. This theory states the President can balance the budget many years in the future (after he leaves office) by giving , except on the opposition party.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please support our President, and call your Congressman today demanding their support for "No child Left Behind Program." Would you want your child to be dumber than Bush, just because the *No Child Left Behind Act* was not renewed? Education needs your support.

Be sure to force brilliant kids to be stupid, so the stupids will look good, this is the Soviet way, support renewal of "no child left behind"

Just make the goal so close, none fail!

 

Your humble Ace Reporter

Bob

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