The BALL REPORTS

Iraq Study Groups

December 17, 2006

It has been a few days since the long awaited release of the bipartisan report, "The Iraq Study Group Report" written by James A. Baker and Lee Hamilton. Mr. Bush has claimed the results of the report agreed with Mr. Bush's view. This didn't stop the President from delaying his decision on the course of action that he plans to take to save his administrations efforts to keep Iraq from becoming a slog.

Former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfield, in the past said, keeping our efforts in Iraq from becoming a slog was a priority. Many months later the President still has experts trying to figure out the definition of a slog.

Apparently, "The Iraq Study Group Report," did not give Mr. Bush the answer he wanted to hear, although according to Bush, this report agreed with Mr. Bush's view. Bush is now asking for more reports and recommendations from the military, "shotgun Dick Cheney," the CIA, the NSA, the DIA, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, several NFL analysts and the previously fired Donald Rumsfield looking for ways to cherry pick the data to support any action that he may take in Iraq in much the same fashion that his administration used selective data to justify going into Iraq in the first place.

The President has requested so many reports that he has had to postpone any decision on the future of Iraq until early January. Some experts feel any meaningful decision may take much longer, since it is a well know fact that the President is a slow reader and also has stated in the past that he doesn't read reports.

Several disgruntled American citizens feel this prolonged decision making by "The Decisionater" as Mr. Bush likes to refer to himself is similar to Nero fiddling away while Rome was burning. These people also point out the President was playing the guitar while New Orleans was drowning during hurricane Katrina.

Unfortunately, as the Bush's decision takes longer and longer, more reports are being submitted by interested parties.

There are reports that Iran and Syria are submitting their reports for consideration. One of my agents say these countries are only going to offer solutions that will work to bring peace, knowing that George Bush will immediately reject them since they are from the Axis of Evil. As a result any solution to solving Bush's dilemma will be eliminated by the President and not considered viable by the American President.

Saddam Hussien is petitioning the Iraqi government to give his own report on how to solve Bush's problem.

The latest report is from the Iraq Clerics, who believe that America has some problems and needs to save itself first.

Meanwhile war goes on, the war industry makes more profits while American soldiers and Iraqi citizens continue to die.

IRAQIS ISSUE 'THE U.S. STUDY GROUP REPORT'

By Don Davis

While all of the media attention has been sucked up by The Iraq Study Group, flying under the radar is a parallel report on the United States, prepared by a bipartisan group of Iraqi clerics.

"The U.S. Study Group Report," also known as the al-Sadr Report, after the radical Shiite cleric, concludes that the condition of the United States is "grave and deteriorating."

The Report points to a dysfunctional electoral system, an inability to devise coherent immigration or health care programs, and America's disturbing obsession with crass game shows that feature scantily-clad women holding up dollar signs.

"Worst of all," the Report continues, "the Americans can't even coordinate the decibel levels of their TV shows and the commercials."

The key recommendation of the al-Sadr Commission is the immediate withdrawal of Bush and Cheney from the White House, or at the very least, a timetable of 24 hours.

The al-Sadr Report also urges that oil revenues be distributed evenly between Dick Cheney and ... everyone else; the dismantling of the Minutemen Militias and the L.A. Police Department; and to minimize intra-party sectarian violence, the permanent separation of Howard Dean and James Carville.

Although deeply religious, both Sunnis and Shia on the Commission unanimously supported a proposal that the Republican Party be embedded with people who actually believe in evolution.

The al-Sadr Commission urged the wholesale adoption of its Report, but also emphasized that in order to save the United States, one recommendation should take priority over all others: the removal of Bill O'Reilly and his No-Spin Zone to Baghdad, beyond the protective cocoon of the Green Zone.

 

Your humble Ace Reporter

Bob

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