The BALL REPORTS

No Child Left Behind - Results

December 16, 2006

Ace Reporter, the first to bring you the first Scientifically Designed Results to measure how effective Presidents Bush's "No Child Left Behind " program has been.

Following are answers to science questions from the first students to graduate from the President's programs. Several blonde teachers that I know say this program is working well. Each of these students show a better understanding of basic science than the president himself. It should be noted that the President did graduate from Yale, a very prestigious Ivy League school. All Americans are proud of Mr. Bush's efforts to grow the nations scientific knowledge base.

Questions and answers by students.

• Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
  A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
  
  
• Q: Name the four seasons.
  A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  
  
• Q: How is dew formed?
  A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
  
  
• Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this)
  A: Keep it in the cow.
  
  
• Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
  A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  
  
• Q: What are steroids?
  A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
  
  
• Q: What happens to your body as you age?
  A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
  
  
• Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
  A: Premature death.
  
  
• Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized (e.g.. abdomen)
  A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
  
  
• Q: What is the fibula?
  A: A small lie.
  
  
• Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
  A: Nearby.
  
  
• Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
  A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
  
  
• Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
  A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
  
  

Children now able to scientifically analyze and make correct logical decisions for self - preservation.

Another sign of children learning more science and applying scientific knowledge follows.

The question and one "Kid's scientific solution to a most perplexing problem.

The problem:

The solution:

Our president in action,...again

The President is amazed at how successful his program is working, when Maria, demonstrates that she can read and understand the "The Iraq Study Group Report."

Bush could be heard muttering to himself, "How does she do that?"

 

Your humble Ace Reporter

Bob

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