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Screwy Ideas and other Stupid Crap

M. Swaine

Who said that software development was a screwy business?

When winemakers first began replacing corks on wine bottles with screw caps, they started down a twisty slope. Cork technology is simple, even when you eliminate the cork. One faux cork can only differ from another faux cork, or from a real cork for that matter, on a few dimensions.

Screw technology is a lot more complicated. Innovators like Kenneth LeVey of Illinois Tool Works have been driving innovative in thinking on threading on which significant screw breakthroughs have turned.

This kind of screw savvy will seep into the wine industry. Surely, you would want different cap threadings for a French Bordeaux intended for 30 years of cellaring and a ready-to-drink California Chardonnay. And the proper screw cap for fine champagne? I sense a dissertation opportunity for some bright techno-oenologist.

It gets even screwier. Winemakers haven't even begun to think about the other end of the screw-top solution. In an industry that can support 46 different kinds of cork-puller, you can bet that consumers won't long put up with having to twist off bottle caps by hand. Wine is not just a beverage; it's a cultural experience. Sommeliers in fine restaurants will insist on having impressive silver-plated gadgets to unscrew the caps, lending the dignity of inconvenience to the opening process.

That's right: The wine bottle screw cap will inevitably lead to the wine bottle screwdriver. And to the driver-receptive wine-bottle-cap-screw-head. Which will open another can of worms because there are almost as many philosophies on the configuration of the screw head, hence of the screwdriver, as there are religions in the world. Over the long history of the screw, there have been plenty of innovation on both ends of the process.

Take P.L. Robertson's square-hole screw head invention, for example. You are free to take it, because his last patent expired in 1964. Robertson's square hole largely eliminates the cam-out problem that afflicts Phillips screws. Automakers love the Phillips head (the invention of Henry Phillips) precisely because of the cam-out issue: It makes it almost impossible to over screw. Uh-huh, it's not a bug, it's a feature. (Thanks to Inc Magazine for drawing that connection between screw design and software development.)

But screw caps for wine are nowhere near as screwy an idea as Apple becoming a venture capital firm.

That idea was mooted in a story by Arik Hesseldahl in BusinessWeek titled, "What To Do with Apple's Cash," which I admit is a great title. In fact, it's one of those titles where you know before you read it that the article couldn't possibly live up to the thoughts that enter your head on reading the title. The idea that ran through the author's head was that Apple could become a venture capital firm. See? You immediately came up with several better ideas than that, right? Starting with "pay off my credit-card debt" and jumping to "fund medical research to cure cancer or AIDS or Ann Coulter." (The scary psychotic Travis Bickel, in the movie Taxi Driver, invents the screwy epithet "screw heads" during his shallow descent into madness in that classic monologue where he's rehearsing what he's going to say to the world. I always find that scene creepy and funny at the same time. Screwy.)

I dunno, maybe Hesseldahl's idea isn't so screwy. At least, if it means that Apple funds my startup. And he points out that Intel, Motorola, Qualcomm, and IBM have their venture-capital arms. And that Apple could encourage third-party Mac software in this way.

But Apple is currently dividing its attention among the computer, telephone, television/movie, and music markets, selling hardware, software, and services. Does it need the distraction?

No, I think Steve Jobs should become a venture capitalist.

Apple has $12 billion in cash, of which Hesseldahl suggests they put a billion into a venture capital fund. Well, Jobs has four billion and could probably spare the billion more than Apple could. So I counter-propose that instead of fantasizing about what companies we would invest in if we were in charge of spending Apple's spare bucks, we fantasize about how we would invest Steve Jobs' pocket change.

I mean, can't you just imagine the businesses Steve might invest in?

We'd all be riding Segways.

Over at the ever-inspiring Halfbakery, one of the half-bakers proposes religious symbol screw heads: Screw head slots shaped like the symbols of all major world religions (www.halfbakery.com/idea/Religious_20Symbol_20Screw_20Heads#1119612360). Interesting, but you see the problem, of course.

"Drat! These are Ganesh the Elephant-God screws and all I've got is this crappy Yin-Yang screwdriver!"

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